There was a time when I thought
beer was subjective, when I believed it was there to be interpreted and
commented on from a personal perspective. I used to form my own opinions about
beer, pubs and breweries and sometimes I’d even write them in this little blog.
Brewdog were no exception; I was happy to praise them when they did right and
criticise when I felt they were wrong.
Of course I now have seen that I
was wrong to do this. You see, it’s not about opinions or personal preferences;
it’s about following the crowd, doing what’s cool and avoiding controversy. At
present it’s not cool to like Brewdog. Despite the fact that I still really
enjoy their beers and bars, people keep telling me why I should hate them. You
probably already do, as you are well “in” on what’s hot and what’s not. I wasn’t
aware of this, the e-mail never landed in my inbox, but not wanting to fall out
of the loop I’ve presented a list of reasons why we should all hate Brewdog so
I can fit in with this growing mass. I’ll be honest, the majority of these
musings are not personal thoughts, but have been borrowed from others who keep
pressing me with reasons as to why I should dislike this brewery. Remember, if
you want to stick with the cool kids, you’re not allowed to disagree.
§ B******g is a naughty word. I’m not
100% sure as to what the term “BrewDog” actually means. For me, without doing
my own research prior, it seemed just an innocent name for a craft brewer.
However, since any mention by myself of the word Brewdog leads to lots of sharp
intakes of breath and shakes of the head, as well as the use of words such as
‘silly’ and ‘daft,’ words I only ever use when trying not to swear in front of
my girlfriend’s mum, I assume that Brewdog is actually a derogatory, offensive
and cursive word. Shame on you, B*****g.
§ Brewdog does not offer a voucher system.
There is a pub open in my local town owned by a rather large pub chain you may
have heard of. It claims to serve ten real ales, although six are generally
absent and four undrinkable. It also serves inedible food at low prices and has
suctioned in so many thrifty drinkers that it has killed off many of the town’s
other pubs single-handedly. There is a large organisation that supports real
ale and your local apparently, that randomly dishes out vouchers to this large
pub chain, increasing their customer base and turning them away from other free
houses. Despite no attempts to kill off all local trade and having the gall to
serve edible food, Brewdog is still not offering any such voucher system. Pay full price? No thanks.
§ Brewdog won’t do what you say. My father
has made one visit to Brewdog Manchester. His surmising of his visit was, “The
beer was very nice but I’d like to see cask pumps.” Are you listening Brewdog?
We’re not interested in good beer if it’s not dispensed in the way we see fit.
§ Brewdog is trying to resurrect awful names.
Man has made many errors in the past and we’ve tried to fix them as best we
can. One way we’ve tried is by retiring ugly names such as Gertrude, Barbara
and Ingrid. Yes, Ingrid! Awful. Whilst we’re at it, most of their beer names
are stupid anyway. Where is the Brewdog Winter Warmer or Brewdog Top Totty?
Think it through.
§ Brewdog is sold in supermarkets. We all
know that the point of craft beer isn’t to enjoy it but to feel superior to
your fellow man. It’s there so you can scoff at the next man drinking his
Caffrey’s and hold up your Brewdog AB:04 with pride, regaling the story of its
origin to the poor sole. However, Brewdog is now available in most of my local
supermarkets. This is an outrage. If this is going to be the case, I may as
well just drink Mackeson’s Stout and White Lightning. What are they trying to
do, run a commercially viable business? For shame.
§ Brewdog train their bar staff wrong/don’t
train them. We all know how to train bar staff in busy pubs/bars selling
numerous beers. The staff at the above mentioned large chain have got this down
perfectly. First you must struggle to get their attention, then when you order
your real ale they must provide you with a completely blank and vacant look (if
they are properly trained they may even shout “What?” at you loudly) before
going down the bar, turning every pump clip around before finally finding what
you ordered and pointlessly asking “this one here?” The Brewdog bar staff are
clueless to this system. They seem to know all the beers they sell, frequently
make helpful suggestions as to what you might like to try and rudely try to
force conversation about beer upon you. Complete incompetence.
§ Brewdog enjoy brewing. Sinking beer?
Taxidermist packaging? Strongest beer in the world? What are you doing, trying
to have a bit of fun? Stick to the norm please.
§ Brewdog are not trying to kill me.
Seeing as they have many beers above the 4% limit so many older folk impose
upon themselves, Brewdog serve many beers in half or third measurements so that
you can taste and enjoy them without the dizziness. They even have the cheek to
serve two of their beers in what can only be described as dram sized portions.
I don’t care how strong they are. I want beer in a big pint glass, preferably
with a handle. Stop caring about my
health.
§ Brewdog are sexist. I’ve noticed that
when I’m drunk Brewdog sounds suspiciously like ‘boob job’ and I believe this
is where the name was incarnated from. From this, I can devise that Brewdog
want all women to increase their bra sizes and are misogynistic and sexist
pigs. They probably kill kittens too…
§ Because it’s cool to. Do you remember
when U2 first came on the scene? And Coldplay? Do you remember liking them?
Perhaps hailing them as the current best band out there? Then a hundred impersonators
came out just after? And now the sight of Bono or Chris Martin makes you sick,
just because we as Brits like to put down those we truthfully admire? The truth is, I don’t need to provide another
nine reasons to hate Brewdog. This final one is good enough. Beer has entered a
realm where subjectiveness is no longer allowed. You have to love what
everybody else does and hate what you are told to. Somebody actually went as
far as to (indirectly) call me a liar after a recent blog post which they
disagreed with, so let’s not say anything that can be perceived as
controversial in future. Breweries should be small, unambitious and humble. Don’t
even think about offering a different opinion. You have been warned. Please
address all the above issues Brewdog, though, when you do, we’ll still hate you
anyway, until somebody tells us not to.
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